


What Is and What Should Never Be

by Lenadexil, RogueKynd



Category: Game of Thrones (TV), Game of Thrones (Video Game 2014)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, RP fanfiction, Slash, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 09:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4914325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenadexil/pseuds/Lenadexil, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogueKynd/pseuds/RogueKynd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After escaping the Night’s Watch, Gared questions his relationship with Jon, and Finn is given the chance to finally make his move. Will he take it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Is and What Should Never Be

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** This is a fanwork and we claim no ownership of the characters or the original source material.  
>  **Notes:** This is an RP fanfiction divided into sections. The “—-” mark being the indication of when character POV switches.
> 
> Can also be read on [tumblr](http://xelorgani.tumblr.com/post/130338434577/what-is-and-what-should-never-be).
> 
>  **Lenadexil:** Finn  
>  **RogueKyne:** Gared Tuttle
> 
> Beta read by my good buddy [JG/MasallCollegeUnderstudy](http://masallcollegeunderstudy.tumblr.com/).
> 
>  **A/N:** Seeing as Telltale decided to shortchange Finn's character, we decided to write something with him (though we had this sort of idea for a while). While we ship GarJon, we do headcanon Finn has an attraction to Gared and wanted to explore it a little. Hope you enjoy!

There were many dangers north of the Wall. Some known, some only legend; such as giants, ice spiders, White Walkers, and many other terrors. Out as far as Gared was, one would think any one of those threats, real or not, would be on his mind. Instead, it remained focused on a particular man who possessed thick black hair, fair skin, and a beautiful face he could never forget…

 

Releasing a sigh, Gared pulled the furs tighter around himself, attempting to stay warm from the bitter cold. Being the ever ‘valiant knight’ he always fancied himself, he had volunteered to take first watch tonight. The young wildling girl, Sylvi, who happened to be Cotter’s sister, made quite the scene at how much she disagreed with that idea. After a long, spirited, and frankly headache-inducing, 'discussion’, Cotter finally managed to ease her fears. Firmly promising he would make sure Gared would do nothing 'shady’ and would 'boil him alive’ if he had. She had eventually fallen asleep sometime after, seemingly while she tried to keep one eye open on him the whole time.

 

Rolling his eyes, the former ranger took the stick he’d been using to adjust the wood in the fire, trying to keep it going. Cold as it were, it would do him no good if it went out now and he had no intention of freezing to death overnight, much as he were sure it would please Sylvi.  
  
  
Staring into the flames that lapped at the night air, his thoughts again conjure up the familiar face of 'him’, Jon Snow. Memories he’d rather avoid thinking about flood him, like a time almost similar to this. When they’d sit by the brazier atop the Wall. Enjoying each others’ company while they were on their watch, words sometimes not even necessary for either of them, just simply being together enough. An affectionate smile apparently only meant for him casted his way…  
  
  
A stab of pain pierces through him as the memory is corrupted by their last time together. __  
  
  
_'Not again…’_  
  
  
Gared didn’t want to keep doing this. Going over it again and again. Constantly reanalysing to understand what Jon meant. What he meant by his words, what was the meaning behind his sullen expression before he left, and why had he given up so easily…  
  
  
His thoughts are interrupted by the sounds of footsteps approaching. On impulse, he went for his sword and whirled around, meeting with the half-asleep face of his larger comrade.  
  
  
“Finn? What are you doing up?” he asked, unhanding the grip on his sword’s hilt. Slightly surprised to see him but altogether relieved there was no threat. Or so he hoped. He was in no mood to quarrel with Finn tonight.

——-  
  
  


“You have to ask? It’s too bloody cold up here to even think of sleep.” Finn crossed his arms as he made his way to the fire, sitting by Gared as he held his hands out over the fire. One look at the dry, cracked skin of his hands was a testament to how cold it was; the ice frozen in Gared’s hair and their cloaks only driving the point home more. “I mean, how can I think of anything aside from freezing to death?”  
  
  
Finn glared when Gared chose that moment to make a jape about his snoring. _'As if your snoring is as soft as a song, Tuttle.’_  
__  
  
With a scoff, his blue eyes scanned the surrounding trees of the clearing before they landed back on Gared. Really seeing him now, Finn could tell the other male hardly paid attention to him, obviously too lost in his thoughts, and he knew instantly where those thoughts would be.  
  
  
“Thinking of Jon Snow, are you?” Gared’s jaw dropped, his eyes widening with a look that told the blond he was going to protest. “Ah, don’t even pretend you aren’t. You’ve got that look about you whenever he’s on your mind. And don’t deny it, nearly everyone knew about you two.” You had to be a complete and utter fool to not notice. Even if the two hadn’t been able to do much about the connection between them openly, there was hardly anyone who hadn’t caught on.  
  
  
He himself especially.  
  
  
Unable to stop the seed of jealously forming in his heart, Finn studied the chestnut-haired man. Gared arrived at Castle Black near the same time he had. At the start, he saw him just like would anyone else: an enemy. Even moreso during the time he had accused Gared of stealing his knife, and the ensuing fight that happened as a result. Yet, despite the rough start they got off to, the soft brown-eyed man still reached out to him. Offered a hand to become friends. A brother he could count on to aid him in times of need. And with that warm, open face brimming with honesty, Finn found he couldn’t possibly refuse.  
  
  
As time went on, he began to warm up to him more and more. Training side-by-side, helping one another along. Learning day-by-day to become comrades, _brothers_ , something Finn didn’t much have in the past. Countless betrayals left him distrustful of everyone, but Gared had been different. _Very_ different…  
  
  
He hadn’t meant to desire anything more than friendship; to secretly pine for more. Regardless, as he’d come to know, the heart wants what it wants. However, he knew it were hopeless. Begrudgingly, he accepted his feelings for Gared would forever go unrequited. On their first day of training when they fought, it was the 'o’ honorable Lord Snow’ who 'gallantly’ came to Gared’s rescue, as though he were a fucking maiden in distress. Had saved him from Frostfinger’s punishment and then lead him to the top of the Wall (no doubt by the hand, probably), and during that, something between them ignited. Strong enough to burn away any small chance Finn might’ve had. __  
  
  
_'Of course, bloody Snow caught his eye. And I’m just…’_   Forcing those thoughts to the side, Finn gazed back at Gared, awaiting his reply.

——-  
  
  
There was little room to argue with Finn. Gared had long given up trying to shake the snow out of his hair and cloak, and even with the fire and furs wrapped around his body, he still trembled beneath. Worse than he had when he walked on the Wall back at Castle Black.  
  
  
“Glad that’s all. Here I was worried you were thrown out for snoring,” he teased with half-a-smile as he went back to toying with the fire. Though he’d oppose, Finn’s snoring was loud enough to rival that of a wild boar. Ignoring the dirty look he got, he continued moving the stick about the flames. It really didn’t need any more adjusting, but it served as some kind of activity and something of a distraction. As he did it, his eyes catch sight of the glove he wore on his hand and stops all motion, thoughts immediately returning to Jon once again. __  
  
  
_'Gods dammit…’_  
  
  
Finn’s sudden accusation snaps Gared out of it, causing him to nearly drop the stick. “Wh-What? Why would I-” he meant to deny it, but his fellow ex-ranger cuts him off, and his words shook him worse than the cold did.  
  
  
He couldn’t help laughing darkly, surrendering. So, that’s how it is, then. That despite their best efforts, their secret got out. All the careful planning, limiting their time together, sneaking the little affection they could whenever possible, being more discreet than a light breeze; all for nought in the end. He should have known; it had become the talk of the entire fucking castle, to the point even that bloody murderer Britt fucking Warrick knew…  
  
  
And even if he were to persist in denying it, there was hardly any point.  
  
  
“How’d you know?” It didn’t really matter to ask Finn how he or anybody knew now, but he felt like asking out of morbid curiosity anyway. He simply wanted to know what made it all so obvious to make their attempt at hiding it pointless.

——-  
  
  
“I just know you, Tuttle.” Finn smirked, seeing the dumbfounded look on the former-ranger’s face. Letting a chuckle escape him, the taller man took pity on Gared. “I can at least let you know, not everyone knew. Most just assumed.” And how couldn’t they, with the way Snow would always seek Gared out among everyone or how Gared would follow Snow like a little pup.  
  
  
It especially hadn’t taken Finn long to realize what was really going on, especially when he saw Gared making his way to Snow’s quarters one night. They had thought they’d been so sneaky, but he wouldn’t reveal what he’d saw that night. He didn’t want to make his friend feel worse. Otherwise from that, they were pretty good at it for the most part. He would give credit where it was due.  
  
  
“So,” Finn continued, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, “What about him? Has to be something important with how you’re staring in the fire.” Jealous or not, he wouldn’t leave Gared to mull over what ever was hurting him. He had a feeling he knew what it was, however. If Gared tried to dodge him, he wouldn’t let him. What else were brothers for?

——-  
  
  
Closing his eyes, Gared wondered if he should say anything to Finn. They had buried the hatchet and, while not perfect, had gotten along since. Even to the point Finn willingly risked everything and deserted with him. But this was so much more personal than finding the North Grove.  
  
  
Placing the stick aside, Gared bent over his knees, arms crossed. “I can’t stop thinking about it,” he began, gaze staying focused on the swirling flames as he spoke. “There were nothing he could do. That’s what I keep telling myself, but I still can’t help feeling like…”  
  
  
It hurt to even say it. The fear that had been on his mind, going back as far as when he were locked inside the ice cell beneath Castle Black.  
  
  
The fear that Jon had actually abandoned him.  
  
  
Thinking back, Gared recalled that Jon might have tried pleading to Frostfinger for another solution, but he had given up so quickly soon after that old, stubborn fool refused. Going as far as to imply Jon a hypocrite for defending him when he was leaving to deliver justice to deserters himself. All Jon had offered then were a small consolation of praying the Gods be with Gared, along with a look of pity (regret?) before leaving to go on his crusade. It angered and hurt him at the same time.  
  
  
Gritting his teeth, Gared rubbed at his tired eyes, knowing he must appear a fool. Weeping openly as though he were a maid. “It’s not like it matters anymore now, does it? Now that I’m both a 'brother killer’ and 'deserter’, Jon probably wants nothing more to do with me.”

——-  
  
  
Finn could swear his heart had just stopped in his chest for a few beats. Gared Tuttle, the man who was completely and fully devoted to Jon Snow, was questioning the man’s loyalty to him? He truly believed Snow had turned his back on him, had left him behind to be executed and would never take him back should they return from the North…and he was baring all of this to _him_!  
  
  
_'It would be so easy…’_ a little voice in his head began to whisper. How much more simpler could it be? Before him was his chance; the chance to take all. With but a few careful words, he could easily push Snow out of the picture entirely; it wouldn’t be hard with how Gared currently viewed the man. And then he could maybe finally have what he’d secretly been yearning for. _'I could have him at last…it’d be me he’d come to. Not Snow or Cotter, or anyone else… Me.’_ The opportunity was in plain view.  
  
  
Finn thought about what he should say before he turned back to Gared, and whatever manipulative words he might’ve had froze in his throat. His heart gaining a sudden sharp ache over the sight of Gared’s usually warm, hopeful eyes being replaced with a heartbreak and betrayal that looked so wrong. So…out of place for the young man that it brought out a great sympathy in him. __  
  
  
_'Bloody hell…’_  
  
  
Drawing in a deep breath of frigid air, the blond placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder, pulling his attention from the fire.  
  
  
“He hasn’t abandoned you, Gared. Absolutely not. Come on, you know him better than the rest of us. He did everything he could do in that moment; I was there and I saw it all. He would have fought Frostfinger for you if he could’ve. But he’s got rank over him… Snow isn’t even a ranger, right?” He could tell the shorter man was listening, watching his eyes light up just that little bit as he mulled over what Finn was telling him. “I mean, he’s a steward. Odds are, with the prick Frostfinger is, he’d of tossed him in there with you.” Pausing a moment, he made sure he had his fellow ex-ranger’s full attention. “He didn’t want to leave you there, Gared. And he wouldn’t abandon you. Never.”

——-  
  
  
As he wiped his damp eyes, Gared listened to Finn’s words, surprised. Of all things he expected to hear him say, he wouldn’t have ever dreamed it’d be this. He thought to be sooner met with contempt, disgust; told bluntly he was right to think Jon tossed him aside, or something of the like. Not encouragement.  
  
  
“Do you mean that?” Glancing from the hand on his shoulder to Finn’s light-blue eyes, Gared searched for certainty. If Finn really meant what he said, then maybe there was still hope. The chances of him ever seeing Jon again were slim to none, and grim if they ever did somehow.  
  
  
In spite of that, however, Gared still wanted to believe more than anything he wasn’t a mistake. Wasn’t something Jon just used to satiate his needs. A man of honor Jon may be, but so was his father, Lord Eddard Stark, who proved he was not immune to making mistakes. Jon’s very existence, Gared loathed to admit, being the proof of it.  
  
  
He wasn’t blind either. He was well aware of Jon’s affair with that wildling woman. Hearing it be said behind his back everywhere he went. Normally around those who suspected their relationship, as though to mock him. Gared never asked about it, and Jon never said anything. It’s simply how it worked for them. But now, it hurt to think about. That it were that woman Jon truly loved, and he nothing more than the 'bar wench’ to keep from missing her touch…  
  
  
“You can’t mean that,” Gared sighed, dispirited. It couldn’t be true. Not when he once more brought up the mental image of that rueful, almost disappointed face Jon gave before he turned his back on him. Moving away from Finn, silence filled the air between them, allowing Gared to believe the conversation over.

——-  
  
  
A moment of silence passed as Finn regarded the chestnut haired man before he shook his head. “But I do. Gared, you know Snow better than any one of us. Would he really leave you behind so easily?” He smirked at his friend. “I mean, he wanted to fight Frostfinger on it. I was actually afraid he was going to draw his sword.” That little jape managed to get a small laugh out of the smaller, which made Finn feel glad.  Moving closer to him again, he made sure he had his attention once more before continuing on.  
  
  
“Listen to me. When he gets back, he’ll worry about you when he realizes what you did. He’ll miss you like he’s never missed anything. Now, he’ll also probably call you a stupid arsehole for running off and not leaving him some note or something.” He tilted his head down, happy to see some of the hopeful light back in Gared’s eyes. “And he’ll do all of that because he cares about you. More than anything, including that wildling girl he was with.”  
  
  
The incredulous look he got for that caused him to let out a bark of laughter. “What? No one pays attention to new recruits. You’d be surprised at what you can eavesdrop on. My point is, he cares about you.” Nodding to himself, Finn rubbed his hands against his legs. “When we go home, he’ll likely have risen to a position to pardon you! And he’ll do so without any hesitation! Now! Get your arse up and go get some sleep. I’ll take over out here.”  
  
  
He watched Gared’s face slip into confusion before standing up, tugging him up by his shoulders. “Come on already. I got next watch. Go on.” Pushing him towards the tent, the larger chuckled when he stumbled just a bit.

——-  
  
  
A small laugh at his fellow deserter escaped Gared’s mouth. Almost everything he said had sounded like complete horseshit, and yet nonetheless, the ex-ranger deeply appreciated it.  
  
  
“All right, all right.” Gared chuckled as he was hoisted up and shoved towards the tent where Cotter and Sylvi were sleeping. He briefly thought to protest, but judging by how Finn was acting, he had a feeling it would be pointless.  
  
  
And though he knew trying to sleep would be difficult with his troubled thoughts still fairly stuck on his mind, he also knew he had to try to get as much as possible for the long journey ahead. Especially in knowing the first thing he would deal with on the morrow was arguing with Sylvi again about going to the North Grove. Something one _needed_ to be properly prepared for.  
  
  
Before leaving his companion to take over his shift, Gared took the furs off his shoulders and handed them out to him. A shit job it did in keeping him warm, but they still were better than nothing. After Finn accepted, Gared made for the tent, pulling the flap open to enter. Twisting his head back to the larger man now sitting down by the fire with the furs wrapped tightly around his brawn shoulders, he called out.  
  
  
“Finn!” Grabbing his attention, he offered him a smile. “Thanks.”  
  
  
Finn waved him off in return, and Gared walked inside the tent. Seeing Cotter and Sylvi snuggled together near the corner keeping warm brings up old memories of him and his own sister Jenna, and it fills him with a moment of sad nostalgia. Remembering times he shared his bed with her when she had a nightmare and came to him for comfort.  
  
  
Lying down on an empty bedroll, he tried his best to get comfortable on the rough floor under him, curling into himself for warmth, pulling the fur blanket up close to his chin. Peering up, he can vaguely see the outline of Finn through the small crack of the tent flap, and can’t help smiling again.  
  
  
Reminiscing Finn’s stupid, but well-meaning words helps to slightly ease Gared’s mind. Maybe Finn’s right. Maybe Jon did really care. Maybe he did and still is doing what he could for him. Perhaps they would one day meet again, and it wouldn’t lead to his execution. The likelihood of it being true were folly, but Gared felt grateful that Finn tried to uplift his spirits at a time like this. Letting his eyes fall shut, he thinks about the words he said to him, and contentedly begins to drift off…

——-  
  
  
Finn watched Gared make his way into the tent, waving off the thanks called to him. Pulling his eyes from where his friend had disappeared, he stared into the dancing flames, listening to the wood popping, thinking on the irony of it all.  
  
  
His one chance, right in front of him, and he threw it away. In his desire to simply see a smile grace Gared’s lips again, he’d defended the man who held Gared’s heart in place of himself. “Damn…”  
  
  
Tossing two more logs into the fire to keep it burning strong, the blond looked back to the tent once more. He’d given Snow every bit of praise he could muster, had said what he hoped Gared needed to hear to keep him from giving up on him and their relationship.  
  
  
Letting out a bitter laugh, Finn shook his head, and whispered into the cool night air, “If I ever see you again, you owe me, Jon Snow.”


End file.
